A Piece of Sh*t

I wrote this on the middle of the night
At this moment i just opened one of my social media account and saw one of my friend's feed.
I cant told what it is.

She's sounds so happy, I knew that.
And the reason why I write this is not because I feel happy for her. But im jealous. 

Yeah, Im jealous of her.
I often feel the same, seeing other people happy, my friend getting married, got engaged, having a baby and so on. The first word that came across my mind is not to congratulate them, but I mock them. I felt so jealous and I think "what the hell they did by showing off what they just did. Don't they think maybe there is one that maybe irritated? Like me?" And I hate them at that moment. And the I close my social media and im trying to forget them. 

But I can't.

The more I'm trying to pretend I don't care, the more I think about them. I asking my self, "who the hell they are so they can take your priceless time just to think about their life, whereas they happy with their life and NEVER think about you. Even in a second. And you just sitting there let the hatred grow up inside your heart."

You know what? I'm actually tired by being such a pussy like that.

Its happening again and again
Until tonight I questioning my self, "what you've done with your life? Did you make something useful for you?" And the answer is nothing.
Im about to take my master degree, but I dont have a feeling about it.
I need to get a job, but none of my application was accepted. 

The only thing that I really want to do is, married.
But, theres a problem that im not ready (yet) to tell everyone.

All this time, I lied. I lied that Im happy with myself
Im pretend that im happy enough, but in the insight, im a total mess.
I want to cry, but I can't. 

"You know you're the saddest when you're sad and you know nothing to cry for."

I really want to be happy like others too. I don't want to take any sh*t whatever people do.
Can I?